vendilionjames:

If you ever think a video game you’re playing is facetious, instead consider EarthBound:

• About three quarters through the game, the player finds a weapon called the Casey Bat. It is the strongest weapon in the game by a large margin, so naturally the player will equip it to Ness instantly. What isn’t indicated, though, is that it has a 75% miss rate. Players are often bewildered by the fact that at a certain point in the game, Ness suddenly becomes incapable of hitting anything.
• The player is at one point given the option to buy an egg. The egg does nothing. But it will randomly hatch into a chick without notifying the player. While a chick is in the player’s inventory, a beeping sound will play constantly. There is no indication of why this is happening.
• A boss called the Clumsy Robot has a move where it eats a bolonge sandwich. The text prompt will say that it recovers an enormous, demoralising amount of HP from doing this. It actually does nothing. The text prompt is lying.
• At one point the player is given the option to buy a machine from an inventor. They are told they need the machine to progress in the game. It is incredibly expensive. The machine isn’t needed for anything at all, and it breaks when you use it.
• To get into one of the villains’ lair, you have to know the secret password. The secret password is five minutes of silence. You have to stand in front of the door into the lair for five minutes without doing anything, then you will be allowed in.

Fuck your noise. EarthBound went hard.