I just saw Aquaman.

Holy fucking shit what a fucking hot mess of fucking ocean garbage. If someone took the script from this fucking movie and tossed it into the pacific it would pollute the water more than any toxic waste or oil spills we’ve dumped in there for the past hundred years. AND SOMEONE READ THIS SCRIPT AND APPROVED IT.

What is dialogue? All we have on tonight’s menu is 5 million gigatons of TNT-laden exposition and monologuing.

THERE ARE FOUR SEPARATE SCENES IN THIS MOVIE WHERE A CONVERSATION WAS INTERRUPTED BY AN EXPLOSION. FOUR. SEPARATE. SCENES.

Mera looks weird. Black Manta has a building montage in the middle of the movie for no reason. He gets a laser rifle that blows up a mountain and goes “Fuck dude this is awesome. Gonna make a giant saucer helmet now to stick THIS in.”

“Oh the saucer helmet exploded because of course it did. BETTER MAKE IT BIGGER.”

The entire plot is a stupid, contrived fetch quest. It felt like I was watching a cutscene compilation from the first God of War game.

Getting through this movie was like lying awake in bed with insomnia. You want it to be over. Sweet cheese and crackers you just want unconsciousness to take you. BUT IT DOESN’T. YOU JUST SIT THERE. EYES OPEN. TAKING IT. TAKING IT BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE HATES YOU AND YOU DESERVE IT.

Holy shit was this movie gorgeous though. Like there are a lot of boring scenes, but fuck, it has some of the most beautiful and amazing set pieces and action sequences I’ve ever seen in a superhero film. The ending fight is amazing even though it’s dumb as fuck.

This movie is garbage though. Also the acting is terrible and everyone’s careers should be ruined because of it. Final verdict -20 billion out of ten. Go see it. It’s amazing and fun and action-packed. Fuck is it garbage though. But go see it.

I’m very tired.